How do you know the difference between accepting yourself for who you are and feeling like you’re not living up to your potential? How do you know if *not hustling* is honoring yourself or just phoning it in?

 

I recently re-read the post by Krista O’Reilly-Davi-Digui called ‘What if all I want is a mediocre life?’ I love this article, even two years after I first saw it.

What if I’m tired of the hustle? What if I want to get through each day without being frustrated, or short-tempered, or feeling like I’m not good enough? I’d call it a win.

But that doesn’t get me a six-figure business, or a guest spot on Marie Forleo TV.

And I think I’m ok with that.

I struggle balancing my entrepreneurial spirit with my desire to be calm. Running a business isn’t calm. It’s chaotic and relentless and hard. And let’s face it, I’m not pushing myself out of my comfort zone by remaining calm.

I only have a few years left of my kids being home. In five years, my youngest will graduate from high school and what will I do when I don’t have to shuttle them from one place to another? I get a little weepy when I think about it.

In 2012, I took some time off. It was a time of transition and I knew that I didn’t want to continue my business as it was. I made a purposeful decision to not do anything but take care of myself. It was the space I needed to dream up something exciting and new. Now 6 years later, that creativity and spark is missing.

I think I need to give myself permission to regroup. One of my main goals for this year is to pay off the last bit of long-standing debt I have. By working as a part-time employee, I’ll be able to accomplish this by the end of the year.

But what about other goals? Last year, I wanted to get in shape enough to do a mud run. Knee issues prevented that from happening and now I find that that goal is not as important this year. Getting my flexibility back is more important.

Is it enough to be enough? Can that be a goal? Sometimes, I just want to focus on having a clean, organized house, make healthy meals, practice yoga or exercise everyday. I want to spend time with the most important people in my life and have meaningful conversations with my husband. Sometimes, I don’t want to have to network, and blog, and work with clients. It all seems like a hamster wheel. Sometimes, I just want to do the things I know I have control over. It’s comforting.

Trying to keep up with the latest instagram trends, or learn the newest strategy for facebook ads seems impossible. What if I decide I don’t want to keep learning these things? Why does it feel like settling? Why does it feel like I’ve failed?

Yesterday, I had a task hanging over my head- something due for a client. But I couldn’t bear to stare at my computer screen for one more minute.

Instead, I asked my son to help me take down all the Christmas decorations. We listened to John Williams music and he guessed which movie each piece was from. And then we had dinner and watched a movie. Just before he went to bed, he said to me “Mama, I just realized we spent the whole afternoon and evening together. It was awesome!”.

I want more moments like that in my life.